I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im six kinds of drunk right now
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
