I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
