hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
