im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
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96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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