i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
