Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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