I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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