I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
