you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Welp...herpes.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
