I wannas sexs uuuuu
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
