then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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