She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
