apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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