just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
