Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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