you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
