Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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