Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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