you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
