the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
