I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
