You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
