i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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