the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
