You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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