Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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