Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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