Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
