I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
