I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
