fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
