I cannot find my penis.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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