so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
