you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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