I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Randomize
