Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
