I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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