I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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