you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
