Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
