I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
