He uses pillows to masturbate.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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