Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
