I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
