Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
organizing the empties. That sober.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
