I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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