I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
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Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
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I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon