Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.