you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
