oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
