I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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