i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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