Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
