I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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