I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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