apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
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He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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